| People say that good writers read a lot of books, | | | | I have semi-bothersome allergies which usually restrict |
| which by principle, would rule me out of the club. My | | | | me to the confines of my bathtub, and if it weren't for |
| urge to write didn't activate until a late afternoon one | | | | my manservant Cleat, I probably wouldn't be where I |
| Spring, when I was playing golf with a shaman friend | | | | am today. Cleat comes from a small town in Alabama |
| of mine. We were closing in on the first nine, me two | | | | known best for its crocodile po-boys which I must say, |
| strokes ahead, when he said something rather | | | | are some of the best I've ever had. When his mother |
| profound. "You know Matt, the world doesn't have | | | | left him at the age of 12, Cleat was adopted by a |
| room for ordinary people like you. You've gotta do | | | | small pod of humpback whales who were all too |
| something like what I'm doing. Be a shaman. Something | | | | happy to bring Cleat into their home. The next phase |
| special, like a shaman" he said, "learn how to do | | | | of his life--in what I now like to call his 'crying |
| origami or something. Anything." It was from that day | | | | period'--Cleat only spoke in high-pitched shrieks and |
| on, that I decided to devote my life to crows, and up | | | | whistles. (It still comes out every now and then when |
| until about 8 months ago, it was a good career path. | | | | he's angry.) |
| Due to some small injuries though, I decided to choose | | | | Cleat has not only taught me about deep things like |
| the safer, less intellectually stimulating hobby that is | | | | honor and self-respect, but he has also opened my |
| now writing. | | | | eyes to some of the simpler things in life, such as tying |
| Being weird is all relative. People've told me my whole | | | | my shoelaces in triple knots. Some people say true |
| life that something just wasn't quite right about me: | | | | love is hard to find, but Cleat found it for me in a bagel |
| whether it was my ability to jump higher than most | | | | shop downtown. Her name was Emma and she had |
| deer, or the court jester style hat I wore indoors for | | | | the presence of a flamingo; tall, beautiful, pink. When I |
| the better part of my ninth year, they didn't know. But if | | | | first met her it was because Cleat had set us up on a |
| you look at some of the accomplishments I've made, | | | | blind date and as she entered the room, I was |
| I'm sure you'll agree that being 'weird' in this normal | | | | speechless, except for the one phrase that I repeated |
| world can lead to some pretty uncanny things. | | | | over and over that night: "You look like a flamingo to |
| Take for example the stunning discoveries I've made in | | | | me." |
| the development potato-powered remote control | | | | Emma had my greatest admiration, and we got along |
| boats: I'm essentially the second most renowned | | | | so well because we were both interested in many of |
| pioneer in the industry behind the guy who invented the | | | | the same things. She, for example, was a passionate |
| potato gun. My potato boat theories had many social | | | | Shoots & Ladders player and so was I. She didn't |
| implications, such as providing jobs for jailhouse | | | | like anchovies and neither did I. She had this deranged |
| inmates and entertainment for weekend picnickers, but | | | | impulse while walking down the street, to scream aloud |
| the best part of all was that you could bake and eat | | | | in a strangers face or punt a small dog, and that for |
| the thing when you were through. | | | | me, was what sealed the deal. |
| I spent a good four-year stint back in the mid | | | | Emma was very encouraging of my hobbies and |
| seventies creating cool phrases, which I would then | | | | endeavors and for the most part, she inspired me to |
| work to weave into society amongst the nation's | | | | become who I am today, a famous celebrity-like idol to |
| impressionable youth. Some of the phrases that I | | | | many of my cyber friends. While she has always been |
| invented and that you might know: hot potato, crow on | | | | a fan of my brilliant inventions and various activities, |
| a fence, and radical (a word which mostly only caught | | | | she most enjoys my writing, which I read to her at |
| on in surfing circles). A hobby such as inventing | | | | night before she goes to sleep. That was, until Emma |
| phrases (or as we like to call it, axiom fabrication) is | | | | was hit by a commuter train last year. Broke into a |
| very rewarding to the soul, but not financially | | | | thousand pieces. |
| supportive enough for someone with my eating habits. | | | | |